Intimate Partner Violence

Definition
Statistics
Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Common Misbeliefs about Intimate Partner Violence
The Cycle of Violence
If Your Partner Has Been Violent With You
If You Have Been Violent Toward Your Partner
How to Assist a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
Resources

Definition

Intimate Partner Violence, also called domestic violence, battering or spouse abuse, is violence committed by a spouse, ex-spouse, current or former girlfriend or boyfriend. It can occur among heterosexual or same-sex couples. The violence can be physical, sexual and psychological in nature and includes verbal threats of physical or sexual violence against a partner and stalking a partner.

Statistics

• As many as 53% of college students have experienced at least one incident of dating violence (Worth, Matthews & Coleman, 1990).
  
• In a study of dating violence, 25% of college men surveyed admitted to slapping, pushing, or restraining a female partner (Hannan & Burkhart, 1993).
  
• The Department of Justice found that women ages 16 – 24 are the most likely victims of intimate partner violence (US Dept. of Justice, Bureau of Statistics, October 2001).
  
• As many as 1 in 5 couples in the United States experience at least 1 episode of partner-to-partner violence.
  
• Women are more likely than men to be repeatedly abused, injured, or die as a result of partner violence.
  
• Women are more willing to disclose violent episodes than men. Women who are assaulted are 9 times more likely than men to report it to the police and 5 times more likely to tell a friend or relative.
  
• 35-50% of victims of intimate partner violence are male.
  
• It is estimated that in this country a woman is severely assaulted by her male partner every 15 seconds, and a man is severely assaulted by his female partner every 14.6 seconds.
  
• About 8-10% of male-to-female partner violence is reported, while only 1-2% of female-to-male partner violence is reported.
  
• A woman is nearly twice as likely to use an object when she assaults a male partner which can increase the level of potential injury.
  
  (This info taken from http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/factsheets/ipvfacts.htm)
  

Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Consider the questions below. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.

Does your partner . . .

• Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
• Put down your goals and accomplishments?
• Make you feel like you are incapable of making a good decision?
• Use intimidation or threats to get you to comply?
• Tell you that you are or would be nothing without them?
• Treat you roughly—grab, push, pinch, shove, or hit you?
• Call you several times or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying or doing hurtful things?
• Blame you for how they fell or act?
• Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
• Make you feel like there is no way out of the relationship?
• Prevent you from doing things you want to do, like spend time with friends or family?
• Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?
  

Do you . . .

• Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may act?
• Constantly make excuses to others for your partner’s behavior?
• Believe that you could help your partner change if you could only change something about yourself?
• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
• Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
• Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
• Remain with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

I asked for it. No one asks to be hurt. It ddoesn’t matter what you do, if your partner abuses you, it is wrong.

This is normal in relationships. Even if you grew up in a home with violence and abuse, these are not normal or acceptable behaviors.

I’m the only one dealing with this. Approximately 3 to 4 million women are battered annually. Abuse is not talked about because people often feel ashamed or afraid or do not want to admit that a problem exists.

No one can help me. If you can take the initial step of deciding there is a problem there are many resources available to assist you.

Love and violence/abuse cannot exist within the same relationship. In relationships in which there is intimate partner abuse, the partners also love each other. Most abusers act in a caring, loving manner some of the time. Most victims of abuse love the abuser and hope that the abuse will stop. Typically, over time, the calm, loving periods of the relationship decrease.

The Cycle of Violence

The Cycle of Violence (Walker, 1979) illustrates the manner in which abuse often becomes a pattern within a relationship. This three stage pattern shows how love for one’s partner, hope for an improved relationship without abuse, and fear of retaliation for ending the relationship, keeps the cycle in motion.

STAGE ONE: TENSION BUILDING.
This phase is characterized by the escalation of tension and feeling as if the abused partner is “walking on eggshells” in an effort to keep violence from erupting. During this phase it is not unusual for the couple’s communication to be decreased and impaired such that instead of mutual communication, negotiation and compromise are minimal. As issues are indirectly or unresolved, tension builds. Arguments and criticism increase as doe incidents of relatively minor physical abuse (i.e., pushing). This phase may last anywhere from a week to several years and typically becomes more frequent as the cycle repeats itself.

STAGE TWO: VIOLENCE.
Following this build up of tension, physical violence often erupts as the abusive partner loses his desire or ability to manage his anger. Tension is released and the couple fells more “at ease”. The relationship appears to improve. The abusive partner may “learn” that his/her abusive behavior helps to reduce stress and change the behavior of his/her partner. The couple is most likely to seek help following an episode of violence.

STAGE THREE: HONEYMOON/SEDUCTION .
This phase is characterized by the positive feelings resulting from the release of tension and the hope that the relationship will change for the better after this “last” violent episode. The abusive partner promises that s/he will never do it again, makes promises to change and get help and may pay special attention to his/her partner.

At this point, the underlying patterns of control and impaired communication continue until the couple is once again within the tension-building stage.

If Your Partner Has Been Violent With You:

• Talk with someone about your experience. Having your partner abuse you is traumatic and it is crucial to have support.
• Plan for safety
• You are not alone
• You are not to blame
• Keep some of the resources listed under Campus & Community Resources on this site with you
• Talk with a trusted family member or friend about what is happening in your relationship and, if possible, make arrangements to stay with that person when needed.
• Keep a spare set of keys and some money in a place where you can get to the in a hurry

• Know that you are not alone. Recent research indicates that 20-30% of college dating relationships have included incidents of verbal and physical abuse.
• Understand that violence is learned behavior. Violent, abusive behavior can be changed.
• Take responsibility for your violent behavior. The first step to making change is to acknowledge that there is a problem in need of change.
• Seek professional help.

How to Assist a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

• Gently ask direct questions about your concerns and give your friend time to answer.
• Listen attentively without judging or rushing to provide solutions.
• Let your friend know that you are available to offer support and caring. You cannot take responsibility for stopping the violence—only the abuser can do this.
• Offer to help provide your friend with some educational resources about abuse.
• If your friend plans to remain in the relationship, continue to be a friend. Avoid giving your friend ultimatums to choose you or their partner.
• If your friend has children and is concerned about their well-being, reinforce their concern. Violence is damaging to children.
• Emphasize two important things to remember: Abuse in a relationship is never acceptable and despite their partner’s promises, the violence is likely to continue and eventually escalate.
• Help provide your friend with information about campus and local resources.
• If you witness or hear an assault in progress, call 911. Do not attempt to physically intervene.

Resources