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I’ve always been very fidgety. When I was little it probably wasn’t as noticeable because kids are very active. But I started to look different as I got older and everybody else sort of smoothed out and you’re fidgety. Well it’s hard for me to sit for a long period of time. And I’m always shaking my leg and people get annoyed, you know, like, “stop shaking your leg!” and stuff. I used to repeat myself a lot too and drive my friends crazy. But I don’t do that so much any more.
After high school, I didn’t know what to do. Should I get a job? Should I do this, should I do that? Do I have what it takes to go to college? I didn’t know, but I wanted to at least try. My grades in high school weren’t so good. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to college. I could put myself in an environment that is not challenging enough, take a less responsible course of action. But I just thought education’s important, why not give it a try? And so, I did that. Well, I went to Prarie State for my first two years of college. I did my best, and I got C’s, maybe one B. I took English, psychology, some math, Spanish, science. Yeah, I did OK. They had some good tutors there and I relied on them heavily.
Then I went to DePaul. I’m a media studies major, but I’m taking some business courses as well. I knew I’d have to work hard and stuff, but I’m pretty responsible, I wanted to do my best and I was really terrified, I wouldn’t be able to make it. If I flunked or something then, you know...where would I be? And that brought in a lot of pressure because I wanted to succeed, but school never came easy for me.
I was on academic probation, for one quarter. And I was really frightened. I thought oh, I’m on academic probation and I...if I flunk out...and it really scared me because I was studying day and night and I would sit there and just study, study, study; I couldn’t study any more. I thought, here I am, I’m doing everything I possibly can, using all my resources. And seeing other people fly through it, it’s like wow I wish I could do that, like flying through school getting straight A/s ...And you have some people saying well just quit if its too much, just drop out. Why go through all this. But I just wanted something more and I tried to find it. I don’t know; I never gave up. That’s just the one trait that I have… persistence. I just never gave up.
Some people think ADD is a joke. I’m not judging, I’m just saying that’s what a lot of people’s opinion is. But people with ADD are really out there and I think that they can be treated. I think I’m proof of that. I think that Ritalin really helped me. I know it’s real and I’ve had a lot of experience. I know by my behavior patterns and from my reading difficulties that it’s real and people need to be more informed about it.
Once I learn how to do something I can do it, but I just ....there are certain things that should be a piece of cake for me that aren’t and I always wondered, what is the problem here? Anybody can do this, why can’t I do this? It’s been one struggle after another.
A program like PluS. That was heaven sent. That was great for me, in a lot of ways. PLuS taught me about being an advocate for myself. Students with ADD constantly have to advocate for themselves. This is an enormous dilemma. We place the burden of self-advocacy on the disabled person for the sake of autonomy. And because we’ve placed such a premium on having control, autonomy, and it’s such a disgrace not to have that autonomy, some individuals try to over control everything and be come manipulative… I will have my way at all costs. Or you become the helpless victim, and this is the road to depression. So I’m always fending that off.
A lot of my professors have been great! I mean that. But if they don’t, it’s an added burden because some people believe it’s an excuse. And beyond that, its bad enough that I have difficulty doing X, and that the other person is annoyed with me, but then on top of that I have to explain myself. And then when you explain, the other person may do all kinds of strange overcorrecting. Expecting less, finding excuses for me. Maybe it makes other people feel inadequate, because they don’t know what to do. Then they think, “Why are you in my class in the first place?” Until everyone understands and accepts ADD, you are constantly having to justify yourself, with all those attendant issues.
PluS also taught me some learning strategies, like how to use a graphic organizer to take notes. But I still struggle sometimes. When I read, I still have to read stuff over and over, but not as much. It’s not as hard for me to think about it and stay on the subject. I don’t lose my focus as much, or shift from one thought to another.
When I have to write a paper, I have trouble knowing where to begin, because I have all these ideas in my mind at once. My PLuS clinician helps me find the focus of a paper, develop the concept and organize the research and I’m getting better. Once I’m organized I can write well, and I’m a very good speller. PLuS also helps me with advisement, selecting professors and balancing my course load so I’m not taking too many courses with heavy reading loads in one quarter. And PluS got me started taking taking gym classes to manage my excess energy. That really helps!
I’ve been taking medication for a year and a half now and that helps a lot. I can stay on task more. I’m in a more healthy mind set. I have a more positive attitude. I still have some issues to deal with. I’m still impulsive…always doing the wrong thing, blurting out things. And people are like… why does she do that? You know? It bothers me when it happens, but I’m learning to ignore it ...slowly. And I tend to keep to myself a lot because I’m afraid of being hurt, and looking really stupid, and being out there and having people say stuff, and being uncomfortable. So it’s easier to avoid those social situations. But the academics are going well, so the pressure is less and I’m much less anxious about everything, and that helps.